If I were electronic...

Now that Google changed their settings I finally found my way to back to my blog again. It only took 3 days lol. I never claimed to be the brightest crayon in the box. I have a gripe today if you will.  I have the most amazing wife in the world and I wouldn't change that for anything. I do wish I could change me. I wish I could be an electronic device sometimes. She is a very busy woman. She has school, her work (which is at the school) and now she is starting her own LBGT club at school. This is her dream in life and her passion in life and I never want to get in the way of that. I am having a hard time adjusting to this new routine as there is less than little time for me and the family. All though I want to jump for joy when I  here of these new projects she is taking on, instead my heart sinks. Why you ask, because everything she does means less time for me. The very little time we have together is  now filled with her new blogging project. I love her blogs they are funny and well written. She usually even has a valid point. Everyone loves her blogs and demands that she write more, so she does. But I am usually asleep by the time she is done blogging. When we go out she is on her phone 24/7. Weather it is work related, or a friend in crisis she is glued to the phone. She even stops in mid sentence to answer texts or emails, while I impatiently wait for her to finish what she was saying. So, yes the root of all of this is my overwhelming jealousy. If I were a phone I would be in her hand all the time. If I were a laptop I could sit  her lap regularly, how ever I am none of these, so lack of time to give me attention leaves me feeling meaningless. I don't like being 'needy' or 'clingy' or ungrateful. I know she is doing this to better both of our futures, and make a better life for our kids, I get that. So I just keep my mouth shut. I am getting use to being on the back burner. I know she has so many important things to do in her life and I get jealous of the people and things in life that get her attention when I so desperately want it for myself. 
I started this blog over a month ago, I was so happy and excited for it, however it was short lived. Immediatly my wife started her blog. Should I be proud that I gave her a great idea or inspired her in some way? I am sure that is the feeling I am suppose to have, but it's not. I feel over shadowed. Her blog is better, more well written, and funnier. We talk about her blog all the time, what she wrote, who read it and who I t ppl think of it. However, since starting mine, and struggling with it, all she has said about mine is good job baby. Of course it hurts my feelings and I feel like well then just give up and let her have the damn spotlight again. I really struggle with, are these normal feelings? Is the bipolar making me feel these things? Am I being selfish and self centered? How do I be supportive and all and not feel so left out. How do I make the few moments a week that we do get together be enough? This blog is not suppose to be a bash my wife blog, it is about my feelings and how do I cope with what I am feeling. Are these valid feelings, or am I over reacting? 
Ranting over, hope you have a fantastic day!!!

Back on track...

Good Day Lovelies. I know it has been a while since I blogged. First I was very sick with everything from a head cold to an unfortunate intestinal infection. I didn't much feel like blogging let alone try to get any coherent thoughts together on paper. After a few days of feeling better I began to get some anxiety about blogging again. The shitty committee was running around in my head again. My wife (Batman) also decided to start her own blog recently and I believe she is a much better writer and way funnier than I, so that led to some insecurities about my ability to blog. So after many talks with my head about my fear I decided to just start typing. I often make the mistake of comparing myself to others, and usually I fall short of what I think they can do better. I rarely give myself credit for the things that I can do, even when I can do it well. 

There has been some recent changes for me personally. I finally have received medical again and starting next week I will have a series of Doctor appointments to go to. I am looking forward to getting to the bottom of a few medical issues that I am currently experiencing, including the impending doom of depression. I live in Washington state where it is dark, rainy and gloomy 8 months a year. Around here many people suffer from Seasonal Effectiveness Disorder, which is only more severe in those of us with mental health challenges. I am hoping that this year will be different and I will get things taken care of before they get out of control.

I am also dealing with a very emotional and sensitive 12 year old. Princess has been having her fair share of emotional break downs lately. I am not sure how much of what she is expressing is normal 12 year old girl problems and how much of it is real. Every little thing sends the poor girl into a whirlwind of emotions. Sometimes I have to step back and just laugh for a minute before I can try to comfort her.  I have contacted her school counselor and she has met with Princess once so far. We are hoping the counselor can provide us with some guidance. 

I have also been spending some time starting to plan our wedding. Since our engagement on June 5, 2013 we have gone through so many ideas, themes, styles and locations for our wedding that I got burned out quickly. I gave up on all wedding planning and talk for over a month. Then a couple of weeks ago I received a call that myself and bridesmaids had won free facials. So last Sunday me and my 5 bridesmaids went and had our facials and then lunch afterwards. It felt so good to be out with my girls just doing girly things. As I sat the table during lunch looking at each one of these wonderful ladies, I realized how blessed I am with the friends that I have. I lose sight sometimes of who has really been there for me over the years, and get caught up in self pity because I don't have more friends. The reality is that I am damn proud of the friends I have and I love them unconditionally as they have taught me to do. Friendships have been a very difficult thing for me to maintain over the years, many have come and gone. When the relationship ends I am always left feeling not good enough. It's about quality friends, not quantity of friends!! I am looking forward to many more days of planning with my lovely ladies.

I would apologize for not blogging for two days, but really I am probably the only one disappointed in myself. I had intended to blog daily, because prior to starting the blog I had a million ideas and now I sit and stare at the blank screen telling myself that no body wants to hear anything I have to say. I call this negative thinking the Shitty committee. So whether or not I have something important to say or not, and whether you like it or not, I am going share anyways. The important part of this is that I get some shit out and hopefully some positive feed back. 

I have had a crazy weekend filled with many errands and way to many kids. I am house and kid sitting for my bestie until Tuesday. She has 5 grand kids under the age of 5, a 17 year old (who has been an amazing help) and then my two teenagers also. Oh ya and 3 dogs and a couple of cats, that I haven't seen since they left.  I am not usually a person who does well with other peoples kids so this weekend has been a challenge for me. I wouldn't be able to do it with out Batman. She has been the biggest help of all.

Other things in my life right now are a little up in the air. I haven't had medical for about 6 months now. I was in an up cycle of life and was managing well for a short time. Recently, I started to have severe anxiety and panic attacks. This ultimately led to me loosing my job.  I have to make some big decisions right now. I have two options really. I can go back on state medical and have my medical back, but no income. Or I can see what this Obama care act is going to be all about, hope there is a program that will work for me and then get another job. If I go with state medical, I also have to apply for SSI, which makes me feel like a failure, and that I am giving up on my life. When medicated working is not much of a challenge for me. When I am not medicated every little thing in life is a huge obstacle. I have fought this cycle for years. Get medicated, go to school, get a job, loose my state medical and then loose the job. At my age I am tired of the roller coaster. I am tired of the ups and downs the daily struggles to function in my life. I feel like I am at the mercy of the state all the time. I can't quit get it together enough to get a job that offers medical so I end up in this viscous cycle over and over again. 

My friends, my family and especially Batman have been as supportive as possible, but some days it's just not enough. I can't quiet the shitty committee and then the depression sets in. I know my mental health takes a toll on those around me too and then I feel guilty for burdening  them with my problems. With the guilt comes isolation, which makes the depression even worse. Eventually, like last year, I loose myself and my ability to reason with myself. The next thing you know my life is turned upside down and I am back at square one once again. 

If you have any suggestions please feel free to share them. Now for some Football GO SEAHAWKS!!!!

Blogging rules...

Was just told that rule #1 and the most important rule of blogging...Never drink and blog! Are there more rules to blogging that this newbie should know about???

Between a Rock and a Hard Place - This is me!

Hello Sunshine,

My name is Carla and after much thought, and very little research, I decided to start a Blog. I have followed a couple of my friends blogs for a few years and have often thought of creating my own about my life and my ups and downs. In my earlier days I was somewhat of a creative writer/poet/artistic kind of person, however is has been so many years since I have even tried to write, the actual thought of blogging scared me, so I did nothing but think. Did I mention that I am also a great procrastinator?  The other day I followed a link, sent to me by a friend, which led me to a blog from a woman who's life struggles are similar to my own. I cried, I laughed and I was inspired. I am 38 years old and it is high time that I get started actually doing the things I always want to do. So here it goes my blog, a commitment, a journey, and a new adventure. I hope that this blog will in someway help, support, or inspire someone else. I have decided that this blog is going to be a no holds barred kind of place for me to express my thoughts, hopes, and struggles. A place where I will openly and honestly share and hopefully with out to much judgement.

So a little about me. First and foremost I am a mother. I have an amazing 11 year old daughter, who we will call Princess, and an awesome 13 year old soon to be step son, who we will call Ginger, due to his flaming red hair. I will soon marry the most amazing woman I have ever met, who we will call Batman. She is my rock, and my best friend. We have been together for 4 years and have had our fair share of struggles. We split up for 6 months, only to fall in love all over. I never imagined my life could be what is today.

I have struggled my entire life with many things including Bipolar, addiction, and low self esteem. I hope this blog will become a place where myself and others can discuss the day to day struggles with these issues. I have worked very hard to get where I am in life today, but most days I still don't feel quit good enough. Sometimes just knowing you're not alone makes all the difference in the world. As of late, I am at a low point in life. Last week I lost my job of almost a year, due to panic attacks. In previous times this would have been a debilitating blow to my life causing a down word spiral that has always ended in misery. This time I am handling things differently. I have never really spoken much about my mental health, its just not something that you bring up over coffee. Sarcasm is a gift of mine, and I am often blunt and straight to the point, usually resulting in me hurting somebody's feelings. I have tried the "keep your mouth shut" program, and well that just doesn't work for me, it causes constipation of the brain.

In 2005, I went to drug and alcohol treatment. My ex husband was threatening to take away my daughter if I didn't stop drinking and smoking pot (For the record, I have never even tried any other drugs). I never really saw it as problem until I was clean. I soon realized that I had been self medicating for many years, this is a common problem among us suffering from mental health problems. I was in an anonymous program for over 8 years, and that is also where I met Batman. In the past two years I have quit attending meetings, but still owe my life to the program. I have nothing but love and respect for the people who showed me a better way to live. I will forever be grateful. Because of that program I was able to find a Higher Power (HP) that works for me. As my blog goes on I will share more about my spiritual journey from church to freedom. NO! I am not a religious person by any means, and I am not here to talk religion.

I most recently survived stomach cancer, Adenocarcinoma It was the scariest time of my life. I have been in remission, Thank you HP, for almost 6 months now. That experience opened my eyes to many things and I started to question everything about me. I had to dig deep, questioning my beliefs, my priorities in life, my goals, ambitions, dreams and of course regret. I knew if I survived, everything had to change. I had to quit talking about who I wanted to be someday, and just start being, even if I screwed up along the way, I had to try. I have spent so many many years being scared,and listening to the shitty committee in my head telling me I can't. I am tired of being a victim of life or of circumstances.  As I am at yet another cross roads in life I am not going to give up or fall back into the old patterns. Life will not swallow me up. I will stand up and fight.

I hope that you walk with me on this journey of self discovery, and self expression, and in some way, large or small, explore your own world.